The Single BoyFriend


There has been a common trend that I have noticed with alot of men in this day and age. This is not a general reflection on ALL MEN.. But just a observation on a faithful…few.

The Single Boyfriend is what I like to call this class of man.

What is the Single Boyfriend you may be wondering? Whats the point of this post? What does it have to do with any of you? If you think this post is about you.. it probably is . No no I’m Joking it’s Not. 

Unless you want it to be . 

According to The Alicia  Urban Dictionary:

Single Boyfriend: A man who is currently in a relationship but has the actions, words and thoughts of a single man.

Ex: Billy slides into Kelsey’s DM’s every other week but Billy is dating Cathy. Billy is a Single Boyfriend.

Its a epidemic. It starts off with one guy and slowly spreads to another and then another and another. What fuels this epidemic? Social Media. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, SnapChat shoot even probably Habbo Hotel.. <- Throwback.

This disease doesn’t affect men who are single but targets men who have significant others, are married or are “claimed” by someone.

One of the criterias to be the prey of this disease is you have to have social media and the potential for wandering eyes syndrome. Once you log on to or sign up for a social media handle and “they” see that you have someone special in your life .. you’re prime real estate. 

I’m going to get serious now. I think I’ve made a good amount of jokes as it is. 

I feel that the constitution of marriage and relationships has died. Social media has made it harder for people to stay faithful and monogamous in their relationship. Men now have access to viewing other woman around the world they couldn’t see before. There is NO filter…so half naked , booty injection filled, fake everything else including personality females are taking over . 

I can’t blame them. I can’t blame the females for showing the bodies they were born with .. or paid for .. it’s theirs after all.  I can however  question why men who have someone already are allowing themselves to get drawn in , showing signs of lack of gratification and not being satisfied with what they already have. 
I have had men who are married, engaged , dating and even courting message me with the goal of trying to get to know me .. while “cuffed” to another woman. 

Disgusting. 

That’s how I see it. 

And I feel that any woman who can knowingly entertain a man whose not theirs knowing he has someone doesn’t deserve to be happy. 

Sounds harsh. 

I know. 

You can probably tell this post is a collaboration of annoyance, confusion and questioning. 
It makes me wonder what’s missing within their relationship why they feel the need to reach out to other woman? Why slide into her DM’s and tell her how nice her dress flows on her backside? 

Why send her “hey big head ” texts elaborating on how long it’s been and how much you miss her ? 

Why tell her you guys could do stuff and your girlfriend won’t have to know ? 

My heart goes out to every female who is dating a Single Boyfriend. To every female who thinks her mans checking the ball game score but is really sexting… or snap chatting another woman. It hurts me to know that loyalty is not common anymore , that commitment sounds like a joke and that honesty is an old folks tale. 

Sometimes I would look at myself in theMirror  and wonder if I had “side chick” written on my forehead in invisible ink why these things seemed to always happen to me .
I wanted happiness, true , pure genuine , no catch, no confusion , no hidden girlfriend I don’t know about.. happiness. 
  

My journey of being single has been prolonged due to things like this that have made me question if it’s really worth me hanging up my jersey and taking on the cloak of being some guys “Bae” or even his “boo”. 

I’m not writing this to be vindictive , nor am I being petty or irrational. 

I am writing this because I was a victim… of a Single Boyfriend.

Love and Basketball- Minus Basketball. 

A lot of people become very uncomfortable with the topic of love or sex or even relationships. Its almost like the elephant in the room that makes any potentially normal conversation awkward and almost silent. I guess it depends on your friendship group, maybe there are people who can freely express their sexuality and feel content and open about it. –>The ‘Sexually Liberated’…

“Ques- Lets Talk About Sex”

For me Love, Relationship and Sex has always been an area of discomfort and a ‘NO FLEX ZONE’ in my life. I have never really been open within myself and among others about my sexuality or how I feel about love as a whole.

I told myself when considering blogging that I would have to be open to letting parts of myself out that I have often held back. I have to be vulnerable as much as it pains me and let people see the real me. Its hard to expose yourself to such a broad audience and not receive negative backlash or criticism from onlookers and potential subscribers.

At age 19 I got into my first “real” relationship. I call it real because it was the first guy  that I was ever officially dating, exclusively .Growing up as much as I had always liked boys, had boys like me, and wondered how it would feel to have a special someone… I never had a real boyfriend. I guess growing up in a ‘religious’ home kind of did that to you, the thoughts and comments associated with boys and hugging and kissing weren’t Always positive ones. Guys and Girls couldn’t even be left in the same room alone for too long without an assumption that someone did something together.
At age 19 I decided It was time to put my childish views on love aside and allow myself to be someones “girlfriend”, <- whatever that entailed.

I met a guy, a younger guy who happened to spark my interest and make me feel those gassy annoying bubbles in your belly that they associate with love, ya those ones. I don’t know if it was his boyish charm, or maybe it was because he was tall and played a sport.. but something about him drew me in and held me in for a few years.

He made me feel some type of way.

Thinking back now, generations have changed so much over the years it’s almost scary . When I was younger people weren’t getting into anything remotely serious unless they were 17 and up. Now a days I cross a lot is younger 13-15 year old who are already having sex with MULTIPLE partners, smoking, drinking and partying….

A Jamaican mom would say the remedy to make them “Seckel” down would be to ship them off to Jamaica.

Love is such a touchy subject . No puns intended. People always get emotional if a good and bad sense when the topic of love comes up .

The first time I said “I love you” I was 400% sure that I was in love.

I was determined that the feelings I felt, the emotions that blurred my mind and the words of affirmation and affection were love.

They had to be.

I think Girls will do dumb stuff for “love”. They will take certain things from their partner because they “love” them, accept abuse and neglect because they “love” them and even make excuses for their actions because of “love”.

Intimacy adds even more confusion when it comes to “love” and we often believe we are in love once we have become intimate with our significant other.

To me love isn’t really love until it has been tested. Once it has gone through something severe and conquered then to me that is when love is proven.

My relationship was your typical teenage roller-coaster. There were seagulls flocking all around waiting for something to drop so they could devour and intervene. I had girls hating me that I had never met in my life… over a guy. I had fake pages calling me out on social media..over a guy.

Conclusion- Men=Stress.

I wont lie, at first I was one of those bitter girls who took any and every opportunity to bad talk the guys who hurt them in the past. I was so hurt and so damaged that I didn’t even care what I said or how It made me look, I was hurt.

Sorry A….ny-ways.

Love can make or break you.

One thing I  can say is that I am thankful for every relationship that Ive encountered from age 19 until this very moment at age 25. The Men in my life made me stronger, I think. Dating helped me to get to understand men better and allowed me to get to the place I am in my life no, a place where I refuse to settle for second best.

To be Continued… Maybe

The Judgmental Christian

Disclaimer: I consider myself a follower of Christ, a Christian, a believer and any other title you may call me… NOTHING I say is to throw anyone under the bus or single out anyone.

I write this from experience, I write this because like many others I too have been singled out by a “judgmental person”.

Its funny that even though I am what my peers and society may label as a “Christian”. I have had other “Christians” slander my name, talk bad about me openly and even based on the length of my hair, “fleekness” of my makeup and the “oh.no its above the knee”length of my skirt draw their own conclusions on my personal walk with God, sexual orientation and personality.

I am not saying that ONLY Christians judge, NOR am I in any way attacking anyone who self identifies as a believer or a Child Of God..I am merely stating facts based on real life circumstances that have allowed me to draw this conclusion.

Matthew 7:1-5

Judge NOT, that you be not judged. For with judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brothers eye, BUT you do not notice the LOG that is in your own eye? or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye, when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take out the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brothers eye.

John 7:24-ESV

Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.

James 1:26

If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this ones religion is useless.

John 3:17

For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world , but that the world through HIM might be saved.

I could go on and on with biblical references on JUDGING… But I think my point has been taken.

While sitting in service one day the  idea of this post came to mind. I thought about how many times WE  as the body of Christ have ran people out of the Christian faith based on our own personal God-FREE religious judgments. Its interesting to assume that God is speaking to us when we see that “unsaved” sister walk into church, her extensions fiery red, her skirt semi painted onto her flesh and her heels exceeding the 5 inch “holy ghost check” maximum and immediately assume her lifestyle, banking information, SIN card number, baby father number, sexual partners number and the list goes on.

One of the worst possible things that I have encountered in my 25 years on this planet we know as Earth is concluding something preposterous  about someone with little to no information about anything concerning their daily life and personal walk with or without God. I hope I am  not the first or the last to admit that I myself have played the role of the “Judgmental Christian”.

YES. I SAID IT. Shocking?

I have seen people in and out of church and made up in my mind that there was no way that person could have been a Child of God looking the way they did. With my Maxi Denim Skirt, elbow covering sweater and makeup-less face I concluded that anyone who looked a certain way could not be a reflection of Christ.

 

But where did that mindset come from?

I grew up believing that anyone who was not of the Apostolic denomination, wasn’t exactly “saved”. Why I thought this was beyond me but constantly hearing things said about certain people brainwashed me to think that Holiness was in long skirts, natural 4C curly hair and the good old Jamaican Tam that covered your hair not only on Sundays but at the occasional Wednesday Night Service and Youth Service on Fridays. Modesty was preached 24/7 at any and every Conference or Convention I attended. The “Sisters” were ridiculed for wearing their hair a certain way, skirt a certain length and for wearing “too-much” makeup.

Being Holy, or being Christ Like was about my relationship yet I only ever heard stressing on clothes, so you could imagine how that made me think and feel.  I am not saying that being Modest is a bad thing, but when all the focus is on the outer appearance.. where does God come in?

Maybe the snares and looks and comments I received as I got older was my Karma for all the years of being biased and ignorant. Maybe the Jezebel comments and cut eyes were Gods way of humbling me to show me how others may have felt when  I myself turned a blind eye to them.

I would hear about girls who got pregnant at young ages.

I would think to myself how on earth could she even think about Sex?  How as a Christian could she think its okay to let a guy do that to her, with her? I myself planning then that I would have my first REAL kiss when I was married.

( I kissed a few boys in Kindergarten and Grade 1)<- Doesn’t Count !

I was that girl that never gave in to guys comments, never gave in to the requests for dates and refused to let any guy so much as touch my hands too sensually.

God has a sense of humor I tell you.

I didn’t realize how anything could be possible until the rolls were reversed.

NO I HAVE NOT EVER BEEN PREGNANT.

I knew sex before marriage was something I was told not to do since the day I was born. I swear. My parents never had the “birds and the bees” talk with my sister and I but it was something that they indirectly talked about with us. It was something they didn’t have to elaborate on.. we just knew.

That never stopped me though.

And it didn’t stop people from talking about me, from knowing my business and from gossiping about what I did.

“I heard Alicia had sex”

“I heard that at the …. Alicia…. and … were all having sex in the hay stacks”

“I heard Alicia and … did….”

I had done the very thing I looked down on others for doing.

Now I realize that every life lesson makes you stronger and better and wiser. So that dark place in my life helped pave me into the woman I am today. People doubting me, giving up on me and writing me off because of my decisions only made me better and more determined to prove them wrong.

THANK GOD!

 

We have all been guilty of being judgmental, Christian or not. Many have had bad experiences with “church” people which has led them to stray away from churches on a whole or have a misconception of God without fully getting a taste of his essence. I am not preaching at all right now and do not want it to come across as If I am. I’m just a everyday girl who has experienced enough to validate my belief and trust in God.

 

I know how it feels to be looked down upon for not “waiting till marriage”, I know how it feels to have people assume the worst about you just because your skirt may accentuate certain body parts others may lack. I pierced my ears and was called a backslider, took a picture at the beach and had a “prayer meeting” called on my behalf, stood up for myself and been told I am rude and shaved and dyed my hair and been told I am a rebel. I know how it feels to not be someone and have people assume the worst.

Each day I strive to be open minded without losing myself, to give others a chance and not conclude without knowledge. As Followers of Christ we stress the small stuff, linger on the things that can be changed and write off people before even giving them a chance. God called us to love, he called us as the “church” to be forgiving, loving, honest and truthful. Kill them with kindness. Who are we to judge? We did NOT die for their sins, we are not God. And no I am not about to use the “Only God can Judge Me” line, I am just saying that unless we purpose in our heart to either help the people who need it the most then we have no rights to talk about them.Sometimes God sends the people you LEAST expect to have the most powerful and life changing impacts on us.

In the Bible God used some of the most unique and unexpected people to deliver messages, preach his word and spread the Love of Jesus. Be careful who you look down on.

Ive been typing for way too long and I want you guys to come back and read more of my posts so I am about to Shut up. But before I log off and finish watching Spider-Man ( 1994 Cartoon Version)…

God is Amazing and I am thankful that everyday is a new journey for me,I’m striving daily to make God happy with my life, as hard as it may be. I am not perfect, there are moments I fall and cry but I make it my mission to get back up again and try again.

Don’t be like me.I was once, The Judgemental Christian.