Have you ever felt like you were literally at wits end, like everything around you was crashing and blowing up in your face and no matter how HARD you’ve tried to make things work It’s like you just keep hitting….
That has been the story of my life for the last 2 years. I swear. I graduated from College in 2016 with so much high hopes anticipating the numerous job opportunities that would be flocking because of my good GPA and intense PR knowledge.
I thought because I was a decent looking female , was educated and came from a good home that companies would be banging on my door asking me to represent their company in one way or another.
In my head I was the “ISH”. I kid you not. I thought I had it all together, I knew what I was doing, where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. I don’t know If that was denial or if I was actually sure and secure. But I do know I was on a ” I Got This” High.
On the Fli-p Side.
I was experiencing moments of sadness and confusion thinking I may have just took out my
first student loan in vain for a job that may not even guarantee me the money and lifestyle I was hoping for.
1 Month came.
2 Months passed.
3 Months passed.
4 Months passed.
You could imagine by now I felt my “high” dying slowly. All the plans and hopes and thoughts I had internalized for my future success became nothing but dreams of things that never came. I honestly thought this was it, after all the years of continual let downs this was MY. MOMENT!
I had tried my very best to be the best I could be. I cut off unhealthy relationships,I ate my veggies,went fake vegetarian, I attended church EVERY Sunday, stop lusting after Chris Brown and I even gave back to the community in any way that I could. I felt like there could have been smaller things I could have done but for the most part I was doing a good job.
I swear I felt like God hated me. He must have not heard all 350 of my prayers that I uttered asking for him to help guide and direct me and make me the best person I could be. Imagine seeing all the people who were not as accomplished as you KILLING It, and you are still asking your parents for financial assistance when needed unable to make the major money moves you want too.
That can KILL your ego. Destroy your self-esteem and butcher your self worth. I have always considered myself a somewhat independent woman, someone who never really felt the need to rely on a man or too many people for support but would struggle alone if I had too, cry alone if I had too and make the world think I was content.
I don’t think I have ever directly suffered from any form of serious depression but I have had moments where I have felt depressed and unfulfilled. The religious response to such feelings would be that
“I’m not in the right place with God”
“Im allowing the “devil” to control my mind”
The fact of the matter is, its human nature, a expected emotion to feel down at times. It is NOT about how long you feel down for, its about if you recuperate from that negative feeling and turn your negative emotion into something positive.
I have had people come up to me telling me how inspiring I was to them, how much they believe in me and how much my story and my moves have influenced them. As touching as it is and will probably always be to me…
I feel like I haven’t even made major moves
To have people having more faith in me than I do myself is a scary but life changing experience. As humans we doubt ourselves, at moments when things may not appear the way we want them too when we want them too we can oftentimes be hard on ourselves and immediately feel that sudden urge to just throw in the towel.
What’s so funny about this post is that I started writing this MONTHS ago, like most of my posts. I started this when a few friends of mine came out with a song ” I Made It” . This song literally spoke to my situations, it helped me through some emotions I was feeling and helped me channel my emotions positively.
I may not be exactly where I want to be, Yes I am still living at home, don’t have my dream car yet, the millions I wanted to have before 30 are a bit off by a few zeros but I made it this far.
The opportunity to still be able to breathe on my own, walk on my own and have all of my sense intact in itself is one of the biggest blessings. At the times I find myself complaining about what my life ISNT, I have to sit back reflect and be thankful for what it IS. We take the smallest things we have for granted when things don’t seem to go our way. When we aren’t making the most money or drive the fanciest car we feel like we aren’t on a certain level or that our lives are unfulfilled. <– A feeling that can lead us to greed and essentially depression. So even when things right now may not seem to be where I want them to be I have to sit back take a breathe and remind myself….
I MADE IT.
“I’m A Winner
I can Shout
I’m coming out
I’ve Been Set Free
I’VE MADE IT”
Listen to the Song that Inspired this Post here