The Chase: ” Relational Gender Roles”

“We teach girls to shrink themselves
To make themselves smaller
We say to girls
“You can have ambition
But not too much
You should aim to be successful
But not too successful
Otherwise you will threaten the man”
Because I am female
I am expected to aspire to marriage
I am expected to make my life choices
Always keeping in mind that
Marriage is the most important
Now marriage can be a source of
Joy and love and mutual support
But why do we teach to aspire to marriage
And we don’t teach boys the same?
We raise girls to each other as competitors
Not for jobs or for accomplishments
Which I think can be a good thing
But for the attention of men
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings
In the way that boys are
Feminist: the person who believes in the social
Political, and economic equality of the sexes”

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

The Man is supposed to be the aggressor.

The female is supposed to be the “damsel” who needs to be saved from her parents house to live happily ever after with her “husband”.

As females we are taught to be “found”. Apparently if a man really likes us he will pay 5 goats, 3 goldfish and 10 baby cats to get us in their life.

As their wife. #BARS

A dowry.

That’s what its called.

We are taught to be seen and not heard, submissive and not unyielding, the perfect addition to our significant other. BUT What if gender roles are just that..Roles.What if they don’t need to be fulfilled the way society tries to make us think they do.


Merriam Webster defines a “role” as : a function or part performed especially in a particular operation or process”.

Roles are not finite, they can be changed, altered and removed. Just like in a job you can upgrade or downgrade your “role”, the same applies to life.  Men don’t always have to be the aggressors and females don’t always have to be the submissive damsel.


Stereotype #1: Hard to Get Female

Why are females encouraged to play hard to get?

Why do we have to act like were not interested even when we are?

I was told to be a “catch”, someone a guy has to work for


But do they really though?

Is it actually attractive to curve a guy, ignore him, blow him off and reject his advances in hopes that it will somehow turn him on even more and increase his desire to want to be with you. What if it  backfires? what if all the actions we take turn him off or direct him into the arms of another ? Sometimes the things we think will make life easier for us only make matters worse.

Men have this preconceived notion in their minds that when “she’s” playing hard to get the chances are she is not interested at ALL.

Funny enough 90% of the time it is the complete opposite. Many a times women play hard to get because they are interested but because of this stress and pressure given to fulfill the mantra for females playing hard to “get”. There is a MAJOR difference between a woman playing hard to get and a woman who is just not that into you.

There have been scenarios in my life where I have knowingly pushed a potentially good guy away because of my strong desire to be that “hard to get” girl. I’ve given the cold shoulder, ignored texts( even though my phone was in my hands), given the most attitude, left his messages on read or pretended I was too busy after being asked out on a date on numerous occasions.  It has never been that I wasn’t interested, nor was it a reflection of how I really felt, It was more so because I didn’t want to come across as being “easy”.



I have never wanted to be that girl that was known for being easy. Even some advances that some men have made at me even though I knew for myself I was interested I’ve shrugged them off and went along my merry way.

Queen Curve. A nickname I gave myself after reminiscing on the many men I have let down over my 27 years on earth.

Someone needs to tell me the Stats Canada results for woman who have played hard to get and what the marriage/ relationship rate is for them. I can assure you the tactics that may have worked for our parents are NOT going to be as effective in the day and age.

The world was much different in the late 80’s early 90’s, even in popular culture, movies and music videos the girl always played and kept to her “Hard to Get” persona, only to be cracked by the man of her dreams at the end and end up falling in love and running off into the non-existing sun set.

This idea of being hard to get even pushes into the workforce where women are encouraged to be tough, untouchable and have this snobbish entitled disposition, set in place to intimidate their male counterparts. The tougher a woman is the stronger she looks and the better her male counterparts will take her.

I have long since retired Hard to get Alicia, buried her under a stack of J-14 magazines and braces elastics. I believe that a woman can be an aggressor, she can be the assertive one who makes the first move or pursues the man she’s interested in. Not every man is outgoing and willing to approach the female they find to be mentally stimulating and physically tantalizing, some woman need to be the ones to do the damn thing.

Stereotype#2: Men can be only be affectionate and giving with  ulterior motives

I admit, I had have my reservations about men who come across as too “kind” or affectionate off the bat. To me in this day and age  I felt it was so rare for a man to be naturally loving and affectionate without having any type of mental back up plan or secret motives.

Chivalry is dead.

Men are not the same men that they were 10-20 years ago. I recall stories from my superiors of a time when men opened doors, paid for dinner and waited for their ladies to go inside their homes before driving off.

Immediately if a man is too nice to me I feel like hes trying to get “some”

Some of what is the real question…

I’m not saying that men can’t be naturally nice, have good intentions and posseS gentlemen traits, I am merely stating that nothing comes without a catch and even the most sincere person you may meet has a motive behind their actions.

There may be some faithful few men who have a “pay it forward” attitude towards life who give because they want too and want nothing in return, but that is RARE.


Stereotype#3: Good Girls Like Bad Boys

There is so much truth in this statement that I feel that it shouldn’t even be considered a stereotype anymore. I am a living witness to this Good Girls like bad guys “stereotype”.

Growing up my household was super religious, I had the pastor Grandfather ( RIP ), the musician father and the usher mother. We spent more time at church than anywhere else, going to conferences, retreats, name it. I knew my parents wanted what was best for my sister and I and I never doubted their decisions for our lives.

One thing I always knew about myself was that I was always attracted to the WRONG guys. The guys tatted up, with 7 baby mommas, 3 guns, selling every unknown and known drug on the corner of Jane and Finch. ( I am exaggerating). The guys that you don’t bring home to your parents have been my cup of tea from a rather young age.

Any guy who had it all together, was respectful, loving and kind and treated me like a queen turned me completely OFF, I would cringe at the sight of them as I lusted after the ones who would treat me like……..

Good Girls are oddly attracted to guys who are everything they are not.

NOT saying I am the most angelic good girl of all good girls, but I consider myself to be somewhat innocent woman.

I think.

The Good Girls vs Bad Boys duo has dominated the media.

from Beyonce to Jay, Ciara and Future, Lauren London and Nipsey…

Maybe opposites really do attract, OR Maybe it could be that good “girls” want something that they lack. They want spontaneity, they want someone who can give them that little bit of thrill that they’ve been searching for.


Maybe the many years of my trying to please my parents, pastor and the other “religious” colleagues of mine led me into the arms ( figuratively speaking) of a “bad” guy , a guy who was everything I knew I shouldnt be around yet somehow drew me in.

There’s always been something about a guy with a bit of mystery that always intrigued me, something captivating about a guy who plays “hard to get”.

Imagine that.

A girl who enjoys a guy whose rough around the edges and tries to give off that ” I’m not interested but I really am” vibe.


-Again I restate.-

Roles are not finite, they can be changed, altered and removed. Just like in a job you can upgrade or downgrade your “role”, the same applies to life.  Men don’t always have to be the aggressors and females don’t always have to be the submissive damsel.


To be Continued…..





One response to “The Chase: ” Relational Gender Roles””

  1. Lovely


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