Vulnerability: “The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”
Ive always struggled with being vulnerable.
I haven’t always struggled. To be honest it was not an emotion I felt until probably the last 4 years.
Before the pain, and the heartache and cheating and the lying I was vulnerable.
I was open and honest and I feel like I gave too much, too fast. I didn’t expect to ever get my feelings hurt, I didn’t expect to ever question the person I was with, and I didn’t expect anything to go wrong even though I knew in life things can’t always be perfect.
I gave my heart to someone who I honestly thought would and could love me throughout any and every situation that life would try to use to break us up.
But this isn’t about him.
Nor is about what he did or did not do.
Since 2016 I have struggled with being vulnerable with others. I have felt that if people truly saw who I was they wouldn’t want to be around me
Not to say I am a bad person or I smell but I have felt that bits and pieces of me could turn someone off or make them speak ill of me.
I wonder if there is any other ladies out there who have felt at times they were not enough, almost incapable of someone TRULY loving them due to their past.
Have you ever felt that the moment you let your guard down and allow yourself to authentically fall for someone, something DRASTIC would happen and leave you damaged.
No one wants damaged goods.
Some days I would look in the mirror completely naked and think to myself would a man accept me with the imperfections I would see on my skin, stretch marks covering my body from stretching too fast and too young, and the stubborn pudge in front of me that refuses to go away.
Other days fully clothed when I am left alone with my thoughts, I would think about the emotional baggage I carried for years, the trust issues that Ive taken on and the fact that I lose interest so easily.. Would any man be able to handle that?
Alot of men love the “idea” of some women but lack the mental and physical drive to sustain and pursue them PROPERLY.
Being physically attracted to what you see and genuinely wanting to get to know someone behind what the eyes can see and want are two different things.
Let me not go off topic..
Im about to be vulnerable.
Some days I feel ugly, I wake up and look at my reflection and feel like there is so much more I could be doing to enhance my looks.
Some days I feel like my life is going no where. Regardless of my University or College Education I feel like I could be doing so much better and be so much farther.
Some days I feel like I will never find the “one” and will end up alone. Something that terrifies me.
Ive had my mother call me miserable and say God bless the man that picks me up, not knowing that my reaction to men is more of a defence mechanism than anything else.
What if what I show isn’t received the right way?
What If he loses interest?
What if Im not enough for him?
I feel like many women struggle with finding men to accept them/us for who we really are. To “secure” a mate who isn’t fazed by our morning breathe, depleting edges, makeup less face and “fresh face” can sometimes pose as a challenge.
Pictures we post of ourselves on social media are usually made up in a way that shows us at our best, highlighting our best features used as a tool to entice and draw in the people/persons who receive It.
We’re so afraid of what people would say about us if they really saw the real us that we only allow them to see fragments of who we are.
Ive challenged myself on numerous occasions to be open and show others around me who I am off of social media.
When my hair isn’t combed the best, theres no foundation and concealers on my face and I’m not decked out in something the most fashionable.
I guess thats what being truly vulnerable is about.
Doing something outside of your level of comfort and being honestly open to the chance that others may not be receptive in the way that you want them too.
“Some of my friends think I’m moody but I think I’m just fine
I could be pissed but I act like I’m not
I really remember when I say I forgot
No matter how hard I try
To run away from love at the end of the night”- Ella Man-Naked
Without the Makeup to cover my scars.
With all my flaws and insecurities.
With my Mood Swings and Emotional Moments.
With all my issues and unintentional Drama.
On the days that I wake up and look a hot mess.
Could you love me Naked?
“I need somebody who loves me naked
Someone who never asks for love
But knows how to take it
Are you that somebody
Who sees a wall and breaks it
Are you ready to fight just to see what’s lost behind my flaws
Can you love me naked”
-Ella Mai- Naked