Ive been holding off on posting this specific Blog Post. I think because its so personal and can be taken in so many ways… I didn’t want anyone to read it and judge me or look at me differently .
But then I realized that this entire blog has been about me being honest, real and hopefully relatable.
So here it goes..
I’ve been told God doesn’t give us what we want but what we need..
I guess God knows what I want Isn’t good for me , he probably sees the potential of destruction if I get all the things my “heart and eyes” desire. Every encounter I’ve had with getting close to the things I think I want have always ended in the worst possible way … for me.
I’ve always found myself drawn to a certain “type of man”.
The type of guys who have that nonchalant mysterious feel about them, the ones who just by staring at them for more than 3 minutes you can already tell they hold the capability of mashing you up in so many ways. The guys who the girls all flock too, the ones who draw so much attention unknowingly its almost sickening. The guy your mom indirectly warns you about.. the ones that in all the Hollywood movies ends up asking the unpopular girl to prom as a dare only to break her heart in the last 35 minutes of the movie..
A man’s man is what I like to call this type of man ..
The ones who demand respect when they walk Into a room. The guy who was the captain of some sort of athletic team in his prime…
From a very young age I can recall on numerous occasions finding myself captivated by this particular caliber of MAN. Aging back to grade 4 and 5.
His name was Ryan.
He was an adorable little caucasian boy with a blondemushroom cut and rosy cheeks. He was athletic, always playing games at recess, running up and down doing what boys do.
I did all I could do at that young age to let him see I had a crush on him. Offered my snacks, smiled at him and anything else 4th graders in the early 90’s did.
But I wasn’t his type. I didn’t realize it until I saw him giving another girl in our class all the attention I was giving him, going out of his way to be seen by her and smiling when she was around.
This same scenario happened again years later in High-School. There was a guy I liked, a basketball player to be very specific and even though in my head I thought I looked good and all the conversations and interactions we had meant something.
I wasn’t his type either.
To say that didn’t break my heart would be a bold face lie. This was the second major time in my life when I thought who I liked would like me and sadly found myself falling short.
I didn’t know if it was because I wasn’t cute enough? Did my breathe stink? Was it because I was taller than most of the girls in my grade? I tried to diagnose what the cause of this was. He was around me a lot, slaws flirted with me, his hugs were intoxicating and he made me feel like there was some sort of connection.
I thought Puberty, the insertion of a little bit of breasts, hips and maturity would end this “curse”.
As I got older my taste In men didn’t seem to evolve for the best. Once I got out of a long relationship It’s almost as if my taste sky-rocketed from being committed to one man for so long. I think because I have always been tall by default taller guys were always my GO-to. I have never found myself attracted to any guy under 5’11 even before I myself was 5’11. It has always been the tall ones, the athletic ones, the KNOWN players who happened to be 6 feet.
TALL MEN are HeartBreakers.
Im joking. But deep down inside I’m serious.
My taste has brought me “emotionally unavailable, testing out the market, how many girls can I get with before 35.. and the list goes on…. MEN”.
Imagine sitting down with me you find intriguing only to listen to them go on about how beautiful or sexy another woman or set of woman are.. while you are sitting right there. I can tell you first hand it is NOT a good feeling.
Men aren’t dumb and can tell when someone is interested in them or attracted.. yet most choose to ignore especially if that person just isn’t their type.
Maybe this is my karma for years of curving potentially amazing men all for the sake of them not being my “type”. Maybe for all the hearts I’ve broken God just doesn’t want me to get what I want.
Live my best life?
I’ve had days where I had to ask myself was I actually as cute as I think I am or did my mom just bring me up so confident that I’m in denial. How could someone not want to be with me?
I know that sounds very cocky but I’ve asked myself that in the most non-cocky way.
When I started questioning my self worth I knew then there was a BIG problem.
Ladies, A mans inability to see how much YOU are worth, what you have to bring to the table, the value you carry not only on this earth but potentially in their life is NOT a reflection of who you are as a person. Often times we question ourselves and wonder if we have something wrong with us when we don’t get the attention we WANT.
Notice how I used the word want and not need. Sad to say what we want is NOT always what we need. I have found myself so blinded by the outer appearance of some men that I’ve ignored constant red flags because I was so drawn to how he looked, obsessed with the image we would have together and how we could be ” goals”.
Everything is so accessible. A man can get any and everything he wants for FREE ( as can a woman). Sex is free, cuddles are free, part-time companionship (FREE).
I’m not saying that men who are good looking don’t come my way, nor am I saying guys don’t try to talk to me. I just see such a change in male/female interactions that it scares me and often time leaves me with little to no hope for the future. I wish I could show you guys some of the things some of these men say when they try to approach me, the level of disrespect, sexuality and pride that some men bring when they want to gain my attention and affection.
It’s sickening. And I think thats also why my “type” has warped over the years.
And not for the better.
Yes. I have a pretty face, thankfully my moms genes were strong and I was able to get her body structure ( no offence dad), those 5+ years of orthodontist visits paid off. However….
In a world thats dominated by beautiful women I had to realize that we as women have to bring more than just a pretty face, nice body and an exceptional wardrobe. Seeing these “men” Ive been captivated by and the direction that their thought processes have been I know now that our world is becoming so vain and looks and bodies have surpassed intellects and common sense.
Ive met men that have cared less about my education and voice In this world and more about my body and face… men who have fallen into the category of = My Type.. and NOT my type.
So If my body doesn’t fit in the category of a 36.24.40.
If my conversation isn’t stimulating enough for you.
If my hair doesn’t blow in the wind just the way you like it.
I’ve learned to take my L and keep it moving.
I’ve learned that looks are NOT everything. At this point In my life I want someone who will accept me for me, love me for what I do and don’t have and challenge me to excel beyond my minds limitations.
I’m not going to be pressured by my age or family to jump into anything I’m not ready for. Not going to go on dates I’m not interested in, and refuse to let ANYONES son make me feel like I am not beautiful.
Everything happens in its time. I plan to enjoy my last 2 years in my 20’s, invest into growing my business ventures, travel the world and bring in as much income as I physically can.
Im NOT my types type.
That much I can tell
But I know what I have to offer.